


Butt Pirates

by bethanym09



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, I don’t have a good excuse for this mess, Innacurate historical fic, M/M, Pirate Chanyeol, Prison Guard Luhan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 20:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12307311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethanym09/pseuds/bethanym09
Summary: Crackfic where Chanyeol is an eccentric pirate captain stuck in prison and Luhan is his guard.





	Butt Pirates

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t even know...  
> I posted this story of AFF like 5 years ago. I was having a very silly day and got inspired to write this masterpiece. I made Luhan a little younger than Chanyeol because I can...also this doesn't have much of a plot. It's a whole bunch of random nonsense, but hopefully it will at least make you smile :)

The dim light of Luhan's candle flickered against damp stone walls as he marched down to the basement for his rounds. Every step in his itchy, new uniform chafed his legs even more, his soft skin not used to the abuse. A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead and into his eye, stinging for a moment before being blinked away.  
"Stupid wool tights," Luhan mumbled to himself.  
"I could help you out of them," a deep male voice sing songed from a prison cell ahead.  
Luhan bristled, puffing up his chest and moving to confront the prisoner. The male in question was tall and fit, arms tanned and curly hair turned caramel from sea and sun. He was leaned up against the back wall of the enclosure, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling as if it was the most amusing thing in the world. He was definitely a pirate from the looks of him, with a jagged scar on his left cheek a "P" branded into his forearm, and an anchor tattoo across the hallow of his throat. It's a shame that those imperfections just added to his appeal, not that Luhan thought he was appealing to begin with. He certainly was not. Criminals were not attractive...period.  
"Your antics do not amuse me foul scum," Luhan stated with gusto.   
A booming laugh bounced off the stone harshly, causing the young guard to flinch. The pirate grinned and stepped forward to place both hands on the iron bars between them.  
"Don't you get sick of it?" the strange man questioned.  
This time Luhan could hear an odd accent peppering his voice that was nothing like he had heard before, and for a brief second he wondered if the pirate hailed from some untamed, faraway land. Luhan swept his curiosity back under the rug before reacting.  
"Sick of what exactly?"  
"This!"  
He gestured wildly at nothing at all before letting his gaze fall back on Luhan. When he got only a black stare in return, the man decided to elaborate.  
"These walls, that uniform, rules, punishments...everything!"  
Upon finishing his rant, the pirate plopped down spread eagle on the cobble floor as if the very idea of regulations had physically exhausted him. Luhan looked at the prisoner like he was a three headed monkey-bear before answering.  
"No, I most certainly do not grow tired of it. Rules are the only thing that separates us from heathens like you."  
"That ain't true," the man picked himself up and sauntered over, close enough for Luhan to see the whites of his chocolate brown eyes, "the only thing separating us, my very pretty friend, is the stick up your ass."  
A blotchy red overtook Luhan's face and he scoffed indignantly before stomping off, hearing something akin to "I bet I could replace it with something better" being yelled in the distance.  
\-----  
Later that night, Luhan walked through elaborate doors to his family's estate. Before he could even get out of that wretched uniform, his mother called for him from the first floor study.  
"Coming mother!"  
He grumped his way to the study and stood in the doorway, clearing his throat to make his presence known. The petite, well dressed lady looked over at him and raised her glasses back up her nose. She put down the book she was reading and stood, bustling over to Luhan and fussing over the wrinkles in his uniform.  
"Hyuna was asking about you again today," the woman stated in a way that lead Luhan to believe there was a double meaning behind the words.  
"Okay?"  
"I told her that you were well, that you had a new job, and you still were not spoken for..."  
"Mother! I don't wish to be with Hyuna. You know that."  
"Well I was just thinking her family is so well off. She is a wonderful girl. Her father is the Commador for goodness sakes. All of the other young men your age are courting and it's about time you start," she lectured him sternly.  
Luhan brushed her hands off his uniform before narrowing his eyes at her.  
"I will court when I am good and ready, I'm sorry you don't feel the same way."  
Her mouth gaped open in shock that her only son had sassed her in such a way. Before she could even scold him, Luhan turned to leave.  
"I'm retiring to my room. Goodnight mother."  
How dare she? Luhan was not even interested in Hyuna, but his mother didn't care and his father was away on business with some new trading company. All she cared about was that he marry some respectable young lady that she could dote on and brag about to all the other snooty women she had tea with. It was disgusting and Luhan didn't want the life that marrying Hyuna could give him. He pictured himself growing into a bitter, cold, old man like his father with nothing to live for except his next pay day. Luhan shuddered at the thought.  
Finally rid of the overly stuffy uniform, Luhan settled into bed and quickly fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of tanned skin and blue seas.  
\---------------  
The next week of work at the prison was much the same. Luhan learned that the pirate's name was Chanyeol better known as Salty Joe...which doesn't make sense at the slightest, but who is Luhan to judge some pirate's nickname? He also found out that he was wanted in at least five major ports for various acts of plundering, pillaging, and shenanigans. Unfortunately he was awaiting trial and the odds of "Salty Joe" coming out of the ordeal with his head still attached were slim if any.  
"How can you be so cheerful? Do you understand that you may only be alive for a matter of days Chanyoel?" Luhan tried not to sound as distraught as he actually felt and failed miserably.  
He had grown rather attached to the mop of curly brown hair and the wide grin that showed a few too many teeth to be natural, even if it meant he had to endure the pirate constantly trying to get in his pants...not that Luhan really minded. It was actually a welcome distraction from the stress he was dealing with at home.  
"Don't sound so sad sweetheart, it's gonna take more than a guillotine to got rid o' me."  
Chanyeol seemed so certain that it baffled Luhan entirely.  
"I hate to say it, but I hope you're right. I would sort of miss you're dumb face," Luhan teased, walking a little closer to the bars that stood as a barrier between them.  
The way the pirate stalked in an almost predatory manner to meet Luhan, reminded him of some wild animal, completely terrifying and beautiful all at the same time. As Chanyeol closed in to press against the steel, Luhan's heartbeat went ballistic. The young guard didn't dare move. He watched as a slender hand made it's way through the bars and under his collar to gently tug him forward so their faces were only inches away. Somehow it was still too far apart as Luhan looked up into the pirate's eyes.  
"My dear Luhan, there is so much for you to discover. You don't know what you are missing and I promise, one day I will be the one to to show you," Chanyeol said just above a whisper, never breaking eye contact.  
Luhan had never seen him more serious than at that moment. Chanyeol was always acting like an overly-hyper child, and seeing this side of his personality made him realize that just maybe Luhan didn't know as much about this man as he thought. Chanyeol let go of his collar and stepped backward, easily falling back into a comfortable smile. There were internal alarms ringing in Luhan's overstimulated brain, but it was drowned out by the want to kiss the taller male until neither of them could breathe. The image shocked the guard into action, shaking his head as if he could physically rid himself of it.  
"Um...I'm going to go and...finish my rounds..."  
After stumbling over his own two feet, Luhan somehow managed to walk away and continue keeping an eye out for the prisoners. Late that night Luhan laid in bed thinking of all the things he wanted to do with the mysterious tattooed man. As he slid a hand into the front of his sleeping pants, he couldn't help but think that he was so unbelievably screwed.  
\---------  
It was a foggy Wednesday morning when the end of Luhan's life as he knew it came to an abrupt halt. The day started out normal enough. He had breakfast, got dressed in his itchy uniform, went to work, said good morning to an empty cell...wait, what?  
Luhan stared wide eyed at the small room that usually held his favorite pirate, trying to comprehend the reason for his absence. For a split second the horrifying thought that they had held his trial 3 days ahead of schedule came to mind. That was before Luhan heard a "psst" coming from a nearby supply room and turned to see a head of curly, caramel hair popping out from behind the door. Chanyeol beckoned him with a wave and disappeared again into the room. Not knowing really what else to do, Luhan scurried over and entered the dimly lit space. Before his eyes could fully adjust, he felt a pair of slightly chapped lips upon his own, pressing insistently before pulling away.  
"God, I've wanted to do that since I met you," his familiar deep voice rumbled softly.  
"Chanyeol, what are you doing?" Luhan whispered urgently, eyes darting around as if the cleaning supplies were going to jump out at him at any given moment.  
The taller raised a brow and smirked, "I believe it's pretty obvious what I'm doing, but the real question is what are you doing?"  
Luhan was trying to think straight, but his lips still tingled and the large hand resting on the back of his neck was so distracting. As if realizing the effect he was having on the younger, Chanyeol leaned in to speak directly into Luhan's ear.  
"Don't you wanna travel the world with me? I swear you won't regret it."  
The pirate pressed soft kisses down the expanse of Luhan's pale neck to his collar bone until he finally got a response.  
"O-Okay," he stuttered out nervously.  
Chanyeol was positively beaming, his left eye scrunching until it was hardly visible. He leaned down to kiss Luhan properly this time, their lips gliding easily against each other making the younger's stomach flutter pleasantly.  
"Great! So here is what we need to do..."  
\------  
Escaping with a highly dangerous criminal was much easier that it should have been honestly, the warning bell didn't sound until they were well out of earshot, having ran along the beach to the west to hopefully meet up with Salty Joe's crew on the Exo. Given that none of his crew had been detained, they assumed they had gone unnoticed by the coastal guards. Luhan laughed like a madman as he chased after Chanyeol into a large cove that he had been informed his beloved ship rested in.  
The Exo wasn't the largest pirate ship Luhan had ever seen, but it was definitely the newest. Chanyeol and his crew must have commandeered it pretty recently. A shorter man with a smile far too sweet to belong to a pirate, along with a man as tall as Chanyeol with harsh eyebrows waved to them as they approached. As they climbed the rope and boarded the vessel, other men made their way onto the deck to cheerfully greet their captain with hugs and playful slaps on the shoulder.  
"So who is this fine catch?" a man with dark skin and plush lips asked, raking his eyes up and down Luhan.  
The guy beside the one speaking widened his eyes in horror and shoved the first as if to shush him. Chanyeol narrowed his eyes in warning.  
"He's my guest, Kai. His name is Luhan and I expect you all to treat him with the same respect you treat me."  
Most of them smiled warmly while others looked bored, but Luhan couldn't help grinning at the prospect of his new life. Besides any friend of Chanyeol's is a friend of his.  
"Well what are you waiting for...get my ship ready to sail!" Chanyeol bellowed.  
The crew quickly dispersed to different ropes and pulleys and he gazed up at Chanyeol in excitement as they pushed off into the sea.  
\--------  
It had been a year since Luhan left home to follow Chanyeol and the sometimes eccentric crew of the Exo, and he didn't regret it one moment. He had seen sights he never knew existed, met people that seem to come straight out of a story book, and gained more than his fair share of calluses. As he laid curled up next to the man he had fallen for, Luhan could not be more happy.  
Luhan ran his hands over the tattoos and small scars on Chanyeol's bare chest, watching his steady breathing as they settled down for the night on their too small cot.  
"You were right you know," Luhan spoke softly into the taller's shoulder.  
Chanyeol looked amused at the wood ceiling of their cabin.  
"I'm always right, but what about this time."  
They chuckled at his lame joke before Luhan answered.  
"You said I wouldn't regret coming with you, and I couldn't agree more...Captain."  
Chanyeol rolled his eyes playfully and tightened his arm around Luhan's shoulders.  
"Even that time that those bandits took you in for the bounty and we had to rescue your ass? Or what about the time that prostitute mistook you fo-mpfff."  
He was cut off when Luhan slapped a hand over his mouth.  
"We are having a moment. Don't ruin it," Luhan wistfully stated and snuggled in closer.  
"Well I'm glad, because I would have hated to keep you here against your will should you have turned me down."  
And with that, Luhan hit him square in the nose with a pillow.


End file.
